The Incredible Importance of Mom (2023)

Imagine that you're an infant monkey, and you've just been thrown into a cage after several hours in isolation. You've been deprived of food, so you're starving. Facing you are two adult-looking (fake) monkeys, designed to look like each one could potentially be your mother. On the left is a "wire mother," equipped with a bottle and feeding tube so you can cling to her and fill your belly with milk. On the right is a "cloth mother," with no bottle, but with a fuzzy terrycloth exterior that will allow for hours of soft, warm snuggles.

You can only run to one of the monkeys. Which one will you choose?

Six or seven decades ago, many psychologists would have claimed that any affection that we experience towards our parental figures is a purely behaviorist response. After many instances of conditioning a sense of "positive affect" after receiving life-sustaining food from mothers, children associate that positive emotion with these caregivers, an association that serves as the sole explanation for why people "love" their mothers.

But that's not what Harry Harlow thought. Harlow, a psychologist working at the University of Wisconsin - Madison during the 1960s, believed that there was something more important underlying our affection for Mom and Dad than our primal need to eat and survive. He believed that there was an additional factor: Comfort.

What Harlow did to test this hypothesis was arguably ingenious, though inarguably cruel.1 Harlow deprived monkeys of food, making them desperately hungry, and then stuck them into a cage where they had a choice of two "mother figures" to run towards. On the left was a wire mother - cold and uncomfortable, yet equipped with a bottle that would feed the baby with life-sustaining nutrients. On the right was a cloth mother - warm, soft, and comfortable, yet unable to provide the infant with any food. If the only reason why we "love" our mothers (and fathers) is based on a conditioned response to our need for food, then the infant monkeys should run to the wire mothers who can feed them every time.

Yet that's not what happened. Not even close.

Time after time, even when desperately hungry, the monkeys would run over to the wire mother just long enough to fill up on milk, and then dash to the cloth mother as quickly as possible to spend the next 17-18 hours snuggling into her warm, comforting body. The infants would sometimes come close to starvation before they would voluntarily leave their cloth mothers to refill their bellies.

The monkeys showed us that when push comes to shove, we don't love our mothers just because they feed us.

We love them because they cuddle us.

(Video) Incredible Importance of Mother | Mothers care so much for their Kids | #ytshorts | Ananta Lakshmi

Harlow's thinking on this was largely motivated by one of the most important psychologists in our field's history: John Bowlby, who developed attachment theory in the 1950s based on his observations of young, orphaned boys. Bowlby determined that our attachment to parental figures (in particular, he argued, to mothers) plays a huge, critical role in our ability to learn, grow, and develop healthy adult relationships. Without a strong attachment, we are destined to be deeply disturbed.2

Whereas Harlow took this research and used it to explore the hypothesis that we have a core motivation for love and affection, a student of Bowlby's named Mary Ainsworth decided to examine something else: What do the different types of mother-child relationships look like? How can we characterize them, and what types of parenting behaviors produce different kinds of children?

To do this, Ainsworth created a paradigm known as the Strange Situation Procedure.3

The entire thing takes about 20 minutes, and follows a strict sequence of events:

  1. The parent and the infant enter a laboratory playroom.
  2. The parent and the infant are left alone. The infant is allowed to freely explore the room and all of the toys.
  3. A stranger walks in and begins talking to the parent. The stranger then approaches the infant.
  4. The parent leaves as inconspicuously as possible, leaving the stranger alone with the infant.
  5. The infant is now separated from his/her parent. The stranger tries to interact with the infant.
  6. The parent comes back into the room, greeting and comforting the infant.
  7. The stranger leaves the room, leaving the parent alone with the infant.
  8. The parent leaves the room again. The infant is left alone in the room (supervised through the mirror, of course).
  9. The stranger re-enters and again tries to interact with the infant.
  10. The parent re-enters, greets the infant, and tries to pick him/her up & provide comfort. The stranger leaves.

The experimenters, watching this whole sequence occur through a two-way mirror, are keeping track of the following four critical things:

  1. How much does the infant explore the environment, doing things like playing with new toys or crawling around?
  2. How does the infant respond when his/her parent leaves the room?
  3. How does the infant behave when he/she is alone with the stranger?
  4. How does the infant respond when his/her parent comes back into the room?

After watching dozens and dozens of these interactions, Ainsworth soon discovered that there are three main types of attachment styles: Secure, Avoidant, and Anxious. Infants can be separated into these categories based on how they act during the paradigm described above.

  • Secure Attachment: Securely attached infants are happy when Mom is around. They are happy to explore the playroom, using Mom as a "secure base" that they can turn to when they get scared or upset, but they don't feel the need to cling to her. When she leaves, they become incredibly distressed, often crying or refusing to leave the door in the hopes that she will come back. However, once Mom returns into the room, they are happy to be comforted by her, and are soon back to normal. Within a short period of time, they are happy to explore the playroom again, as if Mom never left.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Avoidantly attached infants are generally nonplussed or uninterested when Mom is around. They are happy to explore the playroom, but this is mostly because they have no real interest in interacting with Mom. When she leaves, they don't show obvious distress. When she returns, they don't seem particularly happy to see her. Overall, these infants seem largely avoidant or disconnected from their mothers.
  • Anxious Attachment: Although anxiously attached infants might seem fine in the playroom at first, once Mom leaves, they become incredibly distressed. However, unlike the securely attached infants, they do not return to normal once Mom returns to the room. Instead, they might seem deeply conflicted, alternating between seeming very angry at Mom for daring to leave or clinging to her and continuing to cry hysterically. They do not quickly return to normal and go back to exploring the playroom; they continue to cling to Mom or express anger about the fact that she abandoned them.

These attachment styles are presumed to arise from different "parenting" behaviors, mostly revolving around emotional availability and responsiveness.

Generally, parents will create secure attachment bonds with their children if they are responsive to their needs and emotionally available. This means that when the child wants attention, the parent will reliably provide that attention and care; however, when the child wants to be left alone, the parent will give them an appropriate amount of space to explore and be independent (in a safe way, of course).

Parents might create avoidant attachment bonds with children if they are consistently unavailable, rejecting, or distant. In this case, children learn that their parents are not going to be there for them, so they adopt a pattern of attachment that revolves around being independent to the point of never needing their parents.

Finally, parents might create anxious attachment bonds with children if they are inconsistently responsive. This means that whereas they might sometimes respond to children's needs, they might be unresponsive just as frequently. Someone who practices this parenting style can be thought of as practicing a fairly self-centered approach to parenting; attention is given when convenient for the parent, even if the child does not want to be held or played with, but not always given when the child wants (or needs) it. Of course, parents will not always be able to respond to their children's cries, needs, or wants. No parent is perfect! But these are patterns of behavior that emerge over a long period of time, in which a parent might be unresponsive as often as he/she is responsive, in a completely unpredictable way.

What else does a secure attachment look like? The three most important features of a secure attachment are that the infant will proximity seek (wanting to be close to the mother), use the mother as a safe haven (cling to her when upset or scared), and use her as a secure base (use the knowledge that she is there as a "safety net" to gain the necessary courage to explore the surrounding environment and try new, interesting things without being too scared).

(Video) Role Of Mothers | Amazing Mothers Stories | MOMKAST

What is truly fascinating is that these attachment patterns can end up influencing how we approach relationships for the rest of our lives! The general idea is that our relationships with our parents create "working models" (or mental representations) of what a relationship "should" look like. Our parents' levels of emotional responsiveness, availability, and dependability lead us to create mental models that form our concepts of what to expect in relationships throughout our lives. In the table below, you can see how people with each of the three attachment styles might approach adult relationships as they grow up, including romantic relationships, friendships, and more.

There are even questionnaires that you can take to assess your attachment style within romantic relationships, or your adult attachment to your parents, which asks questions about how much you feel you can depend on your father or whether or not you worry about being abandoned by your mother (I've included some great links to a wide range of these "attachment quizzes" at the bottom of this post). But the nuances of adult attachments are a story for another day...

For now, all we need to know is that our mothers (and fathers) are incredibly important. We need love -- in some ways, we crave it as much as (or even more than) we crave basic needs like food. The different ways in which our mothers might respond to our wants and needs shape how we interact with others, respond to strangers, and explore our environments, which ends up playing a big role in how we learn and grow throughout our entire lives. Even into adulthood, our attachments with parents continue to play a huge role, and the models they provide for us about how we should expect other people to respond to us within close relationships can shape what we look for in romantic partners, friends, and colleagues.

So Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thank you for always being there with a snuggle, a kiss, and consistent emotional support. I've moved across the country two times to pursue my educational dreams, I've tried a huge number of things that I needed a very secure base to have the courage to try, and I've found an incredibly happy, healthy romantic relationship.

Because of social psychology, I know that I have you (and Dad!4) to thank for all of that.

1. It should obviously go without saying that Harlow's experiments on infant rhesus macaques were incredibly unethical. He raised infant monkeys in isolation, leading to serious mental and emotional disturbances that plagued these poor monkeys for the remainder of their lives. I do not condone this behavior. While I remain glad that there is empirical evidence in support of our core need for love and comfort, and I think the evidence that Harlow established is important for our field and for our understanding of human nature, I am deeply saddened that these theories were developed in this way. Descriptions of Harlow's experiments on this site should never be taken as an endorsement for the inhumane treatment of animals.

2. I would like to make it very, incredibly, explicitly clear that this statement says NOTHING about any debate on working mothers, working fathers, etc. There are no differences in attachment quality when comparing children of working parents and children with a stay-at-home parent. Bowlby is speaking about children who were, largely, treated like the monkeys in Harlow's experiments. These were children who were extremely isolated, had no social contact for hours and hours on end, and had absolutely no parental figures present during their formative years. Research has shown that as long as the quality of an attachment is strong when the parent and child interact, it does not matter if that parent happens to be at work for most of the day. Please understand this.

3. All participating mothers provided consent in the original study for these videos to be shared and used for educational purposes in perpetuity.

4. Please don't worry; PsySociety loves fathers, too! Even though most early attachment research was conducted with mothers as the primary caregiver being observed, attachment relationships with fathers are absolutely crucial. Just wait a month or so; soon enough, it will be Dad's turn for a spin on the blog!

For More Information:

SciAm Blogger Jason Goldman on Harry Harlow's experiments

Several attachment-related personality quizzes (Disclaimer: This site is hosted by my colleague Nate Hudson)

(Video) Most incredible story | Mom was needled back! | TikTok creative video

A very comprehensive rundown of adult attachment theory (Disclaimer: This site is hosted by my colleague Chris Fraley)

Adult Attachment Questionnaire: Discover your attachment style! (Disclaimer: This site is hosted by my colleague Chris Fraley)

Take dozens of fascinating attachment-related quizzes and personality tests! (Disclaimer: This site is hosted by my colleague Chris Fraley)


Ainsworth, M., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Ainsworth, M. and Bowlby, J. (1965). Child Care and the Growth of Love. London: Penguin Books.

Blum, Deborah. (1994). The Monkey Wars. Oxford University Press.

Bowlby J (1973). Separation: Anxiety & Anger. Attachment and Loss (vol. 2); (International psycho-analytical library no.95). London: Hogarth Press.

Bowlby J (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Tavistock professional book. London: Routledge.

Fraley, R. C., Heffernan, M. E., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2011). The Experiences in Close Relationships-Relationship Structures questionnaire: A method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. Psychological Assessment, 23, 615-625.

Harlow, H. F. (1958). The nature of love.

Harlow, H.F. (1962). Development of affection in primates. Pp. 157-166 in: Roots of Behavior (E.L. Bliss, ed.). New York: Harper.

(Video) The Incredible Biological Connection We All Share With Our Mom

Heffernan, M. E., & Fraley, R. C. (2013). Do early caregiving experiences shape what people find attractive in adulthood? Evidence from a study on parental age. Journal of Research in Personality, 47, 364-368.

Heffernan, M. E., Fraley, R. C., Vicary, A. M., & Brumbaugh, C. C. (2012). Attachment features and functions in adult romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29, 671-693.

Image Credits:

Harlow Monkeys photograph from the original experiment courtesy of the UW-Madison Archives.

Strange Situation photograph from the original experiment courtesy of Social-Psych.

All other images are the author's personal family photographs.

The views expressed are those of the author(s) and are not necessarily those of Scientific American.


The Incredible Importance of Mom (1)

    Melanie Tannenbaum is a freelance writer and science communications consultant currently living in the Bay Area. She received her Ph.D. in social psychology from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign in 2015, where her research focused on the science of persuasion and motivation regarding political, environmental, and health-related behavior. For more info, see her personal website.Follow Melanie Tannenbaum on Twitter

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    Why your mom is the most important? ›

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    Our experts all say a resounding yes. "A mother's love is extremely important for the healthy emotional outcome of her children," says Ridgefield therapist Janet Esposito. "In most cases, it is the mom who is the primary caregiver, and how she loves her children greatly affects their lives."

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    I always admired her kindness, unconditional love and patience. She always puts herself last because she is the most caring one in the family. My mother is an excellent cook. Cooking is her passion and people always praise her for her culinary skills.

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    A Mother is certainly the most important human being in everyone's life. Mother's Love for her child certainly cannot be compared with anything. Her level of forgiveness is unmatchable. A Mother is capable of forgiving any wrongdoing.

    How does your mom inspire you? ›

    My mother has taught me that hard times can be overcome and that losing battles can be won. She has taught me more than I could have learnt from any book. She sets an inspirational example to me teaching me how to live life and make wise choices, even in the most uncertain situations. I respect her a lot.

    Why is a mothers love so powerful? ›

    They feel safe. They feel valued and important. The bond a baby has with Mom is the baby's first relationship." "Mothers tend to be the primary caregivers, and if children don't feel loved, they internalize that and feel unlovable," Esposito says.

    What is the true meaning of a mother? ›

    A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children. A mother works hard to make sure their child is equipped with the knowledge, skills and abilities to make it as a competent human being.

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    Some adjectives that describe a mother are loving, compassionate, endearing, kind, protective, strong, extraordinary, intuitive, caring and mindful.

    How strong is a mother quotes? ›

    “A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to ...

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    Motherhood is the state of being a mother. A person enters motherhood when they become a mother. This most commonly happens when their child is born, but it can also happen through adoption or by marrying or becoming a partner to someone with children. Motherhood is a gender-specific version of the term parenthood.

    Why is the bond with the mother important? ›

    They know that the strong ties between parents and their child provide the baby's first model for intimate relationships and foster a sense of security and positive self-esteem. And parents' responsiveness to an infant's signals can affect the child's social and cognitive development.

    What is unconditional love of a mother? ›

    When parents accept, love, and show affection to their children, even when they make mistakes or fall short of expectations, this is love unconditional. In other words, it is a form of love with no strings attached. Therefore, parents love their children for who they are, no matter what.

    What is a mothers love quote? ›

    "We are born of love; Love is our mother." "When you look into your mother's eyes, you know that is the purest love you can find on this earth." "A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take." "Life doesn't come with a manual, it comes with a mother."

    What is the love of mother? ›

    Mother's love is the purest form of love. It cannot be compared with anything in this universe. The feeling of love that a mother has towards her children is inexpressible. Mothers always want the best for their children, and they will never compromise the quality of things they can offer to their little ones.

    What is mother role in family? ›

    A mother can also take the role of a manager for the family considering the numerous dealings a mother must handle in a household. She must not only maintain the physical aspects of her family's life but also the intangible elements such as creating a lively environment for her husband and children for her entire life.

    Who is the most important person in a family? ›

    And the most important person in a family are the parents. The most important thing about children is the need to prepare them properly for responsible citizenship.

    How does a mother influenced her child? ›

    Love your child and show them love through actions, such as hugs, spending time with them and listening to them. Be a safe haven. Children raised by parents who respond consistently will have a better social and emotional development. Talk with your child, as this helps their brain integrate.

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    40 reasons why I truly Love My Mom
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    • You try your best to make my skin nice.
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    Researchers studying mother-and daughter relationships have found that brain chemistry may play a role in this connection. Mother and daughter brains have similar structures and patterns for empathy, and the part of the brain that regulates emotions is also alike in mothers and daughters.

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    Science Explains Why The Mother-Daughter Bond Is SO Powerful

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    Having and showing compassion and care transcends gender, race, and culture. One of the primary reasons why children give more honor to their mothers than their fathers is because mothers gave them more compassion and tender loving care (TLC) when they were growing up.

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    The Role of a Mother According to the Bible

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    These virtues may seem overwhelming at first, but there are simple ways to practice them in everyday life with the help of God's grace.
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    • Universal mortification.
    • Divine purity.
    • Ardent charity.
    • Heroic patience.
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    Apr 16, 2021

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    How does the Bible describe a mother's love? ›

    Bible Verses About Mothers

    Isaiah 66:13: "As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 49:15: "Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?" Proverbs 31:25: "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

    What is the power of the mother? ›

    A mother has incredible influence in a child's life. I'd even go as far to say that she is the most influential. She has a bond like no other because she's nursed/fed the infant and spent many hours comforting her baby. She's taken time in the toddler stage to praise his developments and engage in play.

    What is the deep meaning of motherhood? ›

    Motherhood means family, happiness, love and contentment. Motherhood is lucky and a gift that not all of us get. It brings out the best and worst in you. Some days are hard and some days are easy but ultimately the joy of raising small humans is so powerful.

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    A mother teaches her child everything that she knows right from talking, walking to living a fulfilling life. She is also the one who disciplines and educates a child for a better living. Right from getting up to sleeping, a mother teaches all she knows.

    Which parent is most important? ›

    Neither parent is more important, and both are vital. What matters most is that both parents show up and stay involved. Both parents are indispensable and hugely important to kids through all stages of life. The true extent depends a great deal on the relationships and the people involved.

    Why are moms important to their daughters? ›

    A mother is a role model, best friend, and a pillar of strength for her daughter. For the mother, her daughter is her world. As soon as a daughter is born, her mother develops a strong bond with her. As the daughter grows, their relationship changes, but the feelings remain the same.

    Why I am thankful to my mother? ›

    Why are you thankful for your mom? I am grateful because she put my needs before hers, even when we didn't get along perfectly. I am thankful for my mom because she isn't just my mom, she is my best friend. I wouldn't be who I am today without her.

    Why are mothers seen as more important than fathers? ›

    Having and showing compassion and care transcends gender, race, and culture. One of the primary reasons why children give more honor to their mothers than their fathers is because mothers gave them more compassion and tender loving care (TLC) when they were growing up.

    What is the role of mother in the family? ›

    Mothers play a huge role in their children's lives, caring for them, loving them, teaching them, and so much more. The way a child develops can be largely attributed to the role that their parents and caregivers play in their lives, so what exactly is the role of a mother in a child's early childhood development?

    Which parent is more important in a child's life? ›

    From the start of a child's life, the mother is the most important figure of attachment. The relationship between a parent and child is a vital part of their physical and emotional development. When parents are not around or don't spend time with kids it can lead to poor emotional development and behaviors.

    Why is the mother-daughter bond the strongest? ›

    Science Explains Why The Mother-Daughter Bond Is SO Powerful

    According to a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, the part of the brain that regulates emotion is more similar between mothers and daughters than any other intergenerational pairing (mother-son, father-daughter, father-son).

    Who plays the most important role in child's life? ›

    The proper role of the parent is to provide encouragement, support, and access to activities that enable the child to master key developmental tasks. A parent is their child's first teacher and should remain their best teacher throughout life.

    Who are the key people in a child's life? ›

    The key person is someone you can talk to about any concerns, they will know your child well and will be able to provide advice and support with all aspects of learning and development. You should be offered regular times to talk to your child's key person and look at their child's learning and development records.

    Who is the strongest person in a family? ›

    A mother can fight an entire world for her child that is the strength of a mother.


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